is the entryway to bitter days, the worst has come I'm certain

I fantasize sometimes a world in which we both could stay

but doing so ignores a rule the living must obey

I'd do anything so that you wouldn't see the bitter end

My aching heart keeps hurting

my body will decay

my broken soul won't mend

you

She put her face in her hands like it would help separate her from the voice. Mama was snoring in the other room, but she couldn’t start her allowance yet. She always really needed it after school. She’d normally take her medicine, but medicine can’t quiet the soul. “You already have me. What more could you want?”

to put it to the flame, to polish it and show the world my armor that cannot be bent and my sword that cannot be broken

After checking one last time to make sure Napoleon would be okay alone, she got out of bed and took a torch with her. She kissed her fingers and pressed them to her baby’s hair before tiptoeing out of the room. “You sound like my Papa.” She said once she entered the hallway, shutting the door behind her.

scummy bitch

“Ah, that’s more like me.”

The voice was quiet after that. He would come back, but she wasn’t going to wait up. Papa said it was her Ka, her soul, speaking to her. Unlike her other anatomies, he had a given name, Nendono, and if she trained with him, he would be less of a problem, and she’d even be able to use him like she used Khet and Ba. He never was summoned on command, and she had no control of when he appeared or what he said, but someday she would have that control.

For now, finally having some control over herself, she ate a snack and went back to sleep. She listened to the silence and briefly sent up a prayer that Mr. Nendono take a nap.

He must have heard, for he was silent all day, until the very end.

ENA’s family had chosen that day to celebrate her birthday. They were all very kind to her, and Moony had especially been nice that day, which should have served as a hint for what was about to come. She was very good at hiding her plan. Come nightfall, she went up in front of the family, tapping her fork against a glass to get their attention. “Mister Nakamura, I’d like to request a favor from you, that I take your daughter out tonight to see a movie.”

In the corner, Mama and Merci giggled into their half-empty wine glasses, sharing hushed comments as they glanced between the other occupants of the room. Unlike them, Papa took the proposal very seriously, and ENA, who had just come down from putting Napoleon to bed, took a place ad Moony’s side to make it clear who she was supporting in the argument. She held Moony’s hand tight, Papa’s deep, dark eyes could stare right through the soul. “I suppose.” He said, fixing Moony with his endless gaze. “You won’t slight this act of kindness given for the sake of my daughter’s heart, and betray my trust or my daughter’s trust, will you, Munako Mochizuki?”

“I won’t, sir!” Moony said, gathering all her nerve to look Papa in the eye and speak clearly. On her surface, dust gathered and roamed in thick clouds as magnetic storms brewed.

From the back of the room, Mama laughed. “Oh, Papa! Let them go have fun. They’re already married, and Enakai’s eighteen now! Let her enjoy young love while she can. Don’t you remember your first date, Mercy? I think we still have the pictures from prom night! You looked just adorable in your tux! Stacey was very cute, too, but of course, you know.”

ENA and Moony left before they could be caught in the reminiscing, Papa watching them all the way down the road. Holding onto Moony’s arm, ENA felt warm and soft inside. “I forgive you already, I did before you even said anything. It’s okay to forget someone like me.” She said, hoping it would make Moony feel less in debt.

“No, it’s not!” Moony looked so guilty that ENA herself felt guilty for making her feel bad by being born. “I was watching the T.V. at home, and all of a sudden, I got this revolution!”

‘Revelation.’ ENA thought, stepping over a rain-rock.

smartass

“I’m not going to be the kind of wife that sits at home and cries about bullshit while you’re having a hard time! It must feel really shitty to have someone forget about you like that, especially someone you trust to not do that. So, I don’t think this makes up for it, but I want to at least make you happy. So, do you like dinosaurs?” She was very persuasive, and nothing ENA said could sway her. “I’ll pay this time. I’ve got some money from my very important job.” She said, winking in a goofy way and making ENA laugh.

That job was actually at the cinema. Apparently, she started working part-time there and had been so busy with her first real work schedule on top of homework that she had gotten distracted from everything else.

she can get distracted from her wife’s birthday by shoveling popcorn into cardboard boxes, how averagely precious, endearingly disappointing, heart-meltingly half-assed

“Moony, have I ever told you that you are amazingly precious, delightfully endearing and have melted my whole heart?”

“…dude, there’s a line. But thanks. You too.”

When they sat on a blanket borrowed from the lobby, watching the giant projection of a lizard monster, ENA felt the bond between them was irrevocably strengthened. She knew she needed to feel it again, and very soon. It was intoxicating, the feeling of love and closeness to someone else, amplified when Moony allowed herself to be held that night, which she never did for anyone. As a moon, she was very cold, but ENA brought a heavy jacket and hugged her close and tight, a smile on her face that felt like it would never leave.

you can feel that little tingle between your legs as well as I can. you’re always such a child, be a woman, it’s your eighteenth birthday get drunk let loose show some tits you starchy, conservative old biddy

“Stop it.” ENA whispered.

“What’s ‘at?” Moony asked, looking away from the screen.

ENA quickly grabbed an excuse, “Nothing, just talking about the scientists. Really makes you feel bad for that monster, how they made him to destroy, and kill him when he does as he’s made to do.”

indeed, so stop blueballing me

“Yeah, I guesso. But it does look cool when they blow him up.”

The best part happened just as Moony brought ENA home. “I suppose, if it ever comes up again, you can tell your friend that we’re married.” She said, nervously playing with her hair. “Just because it’s easier than giving him the whole runaround, you know? I’m responsible, I’m a good person. I can stick to my guns, right? Just don’t give him the ‘two kids and a house’ idea, though, I still want to be young and free, but grown up and dedicated. There’s only one kid anyway. So…thank you for tonight and make me look good when you talk about me!” She quickly kissed ENA on the cheek, letting ENA reciprocate before they parted for the night. Moony never kissed like romance, she said it was too soon for that. ENA agreed, she wasn’t ready either. What they had now was enough, no matter what anyone said. No matter if she did feel a little warm between the legs, or the growing want to be hugged and never let go of.

That night, she sung to Napoleon before tucking him into the little crib she had for him. She painted it herself, a nice shade of purple. After assuring that he was indeed asleep, she went to bed herself, sleeping peacefully after taking her medicine and the last bit of her daily allowance. She was starting to get jittery by the time the movie ended, but she did her darndest to keep Moony from seeing.

She was still trying to get sober for both Moony and Napoleon, but it was hard when everyone else was doing the opposite. Papa drank more often in his study, and Mama spent her nights in the kitchen listening to some CDs or watching a movie in the living room over a glass of wine. If he wasn’t busy, Merci joined her and they shared a bottle while commentating taped foreign-made ballet performances and boring operas.

She thought it was bad to drink in the family home, which was the reason she was trying so hard to get sober in the first place, and every outside advice agreed with her assumption. When they started drinking, she hid in her room and did her homework or called Moony on the phone to talk if she was available.

It used to be that Moony was the only other person than her immediate family that she’d talk to, but recently, Taikai had gotten braver and spoke to her on multiple occasions, usually to be a major pest about ENA’s ‘husband.’ She had to correct him only after she got Moony’s permission, knowing that she previously wanted to keep their marriage private.

She hoped he wouldn’t be weird like he was with Napoleon. As planned, she brought Napoleon to school so the class could meet him. Robert politely accepted ENA’s baby and offered to feed or change him as needed while ENA focused on her classwork. Keya said that Napoleon was less of a baby than she was, and Justin shook Napoleon’s hand with his trunk. Taikai was just awestruck; his eyes got as big as plates, his breath was taken, his jaw fell open. For the next ten minutes he couldn't quite gather himself, glancing anxiously at Napoleon, specifically his skirt. Napoleon’s clothes weren’t attached like with some toys, so she gave him a diaper made of a cut hankie and dressed him back up. She wanted to give him pants, but having never owned any other dolls, she had no other doll clothes. She also wasn’t that skilled a seamstress, so she paid Mama twenty-chocolates to make some doll pants. Mama accepted the job and not the money, and ENA liked when she could sit and chat with Mama while she sewed.

Mr. Nendono mentioned it first, and for once she agreed that it was strange that her toy had some very realistic girl parts. She thought about bringing it up to Mama but decided not to. It seemed rude to show off other people’s private parts, especially to one’s mother. She also wanted a boy doll, giving her more incentive to ignore what was between his legs.

Taikai asked one afternoon if they could swing together after school. She accepted, feeling happy that she might have made a friend. It was like chatting in the classroom, until he started griping about the girls’ school uniforms. He said that the matching shorts underneath the skirt was a poor design choice. “It takes away from people’s ability to appreciate your beauty.” He said, watching ENA as they both went up and down like pendulums.

“They’re always under the skirt, so no-one sees them. I suppose because of that, it doesn’t matter if they match or not. The high school uniforms don’t have matching shorts, but you can sometimes see under those by accident, so maybe they should.”

He frowned as they passed each other by. “No, just get rid of the shorts altogether.”

“But why?”

“Just try coming to school one day without them, it’s a cool style, and the girls I talk with say they do it all the time. Maybe you’ll like it.”

It was a stupid argument, but it did make her curious. She thought about bringing it up to Moony, but she didn’t wear the girls’ school uniform, let alone any clothes save for the odd decoration or shoe. Thus, she wouldn’t know any matters about shorts. She let it go for the night, and the next morning when she got dressed, she considered it again.

She stood in front of the mirror and looked herself over. She flirted with her skirt, looking at herself from every possible angle. It really wouldn’t show… she pulled off her shorts, folding them up and putting them back in the drawer. It felt cold and seemed pointless. She’d just have to see who noticed, and that should decide it.

“Merci, how do I look?” She asked when she went into the living room. He was sitting at the computer and printing something.

He only glanced at her for a second. “Normal.”

“She looks pretty, like always.” Said Mama, who was eyeing two different cuts of meat. One was a fish and the other was a fowl.

ENA went behind the counter, hugging her Mama’s arm. Mama leaned into her, kissing her head. “So, you didn’t notice anything different?”

“No…” Said Mama, stepping back to look her over again. ENA grabbed her skirt and pulled it further down. “I’d notice, I look at you. Just don’t color your face yellow.”

When she was ten, she tried to make herself one color. It didn’t look convincing, and she had to be an hour late to school scrubbing off the paint in the sink while Mama made sure she got all of it. “It’s not that, Mama. I love you, and I’ll see you after school.” She kissed her Mama’s cheek before grabbing her backpack. Merci caught up with her and they went out the door. ENA was proud that she was right, in a sense. The shorts didn’t feel like they really make a difference, which was her argument, wasn’t it? She could still brag, she decided.

“Hey wife, hey brother-in-law.” Moony approached them slowly. She had a foot, today. That foot was put firmly in a roller-skate, and she slid towards them, propelled by her own levitation ability.

“Looking fly, Moony.” Merci said, watching as she skated around them in circles. “Very in. In the nineties.”

“You’re just jealous you don’t have one. Don’t hate ‘cause you can’t skate.”

Neither of them noticed ENA breaking the dress code, too distracted by her wife’s amazing skills. She was feeling pretty full of herself when she sat down with Tai at lunch. “Bingo, I win, foolish boy.” She said, waving a cheese-filled breadstick. Some sauce dripped onto the table.

“Yeah.” He said, nodding and looking away. “I’d feel even more foolish if I could see.”

“Uh, you can’t. That’s my point. It doesn’t feel any different, either.”

“Yeah, I get it. I bet your husband would enjoy the sight, though. Just want to affirm it.” He shrugged, as if he was just stating the truth and nothing more.

ENA felt herself grin on compulsion, knowing that he was once again, wrong. “I can tell you now, so you can stop saying that. I have a wife! She’s really great, we went on a date the other night. She’s sitting with her friends right now.” She nodded in Moony’s direction, watching Taikai’s expression change into one of bewilderment, and then something else indiscernible but concerning, nonetheless. He almost seemed bothered, not even glancing in the direction ENA indicated towards. He stared right at her, as if trying to decipher something difficult to comprehend. “Is everything okay?”

He nodded, looking very serious, as if taking in and decoding some very important, hidden message in ENA’s plain words. “I’d like to meet with you this afternoon, you know that blue building on stilts just above the ball field?” ENA did, but she’d never been in. “Good. I’ll see you there?”

“I suppose. Can we meet on the playground instead?”

“I don’t feel like it. Just trust me on this, it’s good that we meet there. And don’t tell anyone, I don’t want a single person to walk in on us.”

ENA nodded, crossing her heart with her finger. Someone was entrusting her with a secret, even she could tell that.

i bet he’s a crossdresser said Mr. Nendono. that’s how he knows the feeling of a free skirt the guy doesn’t have the social skills to chat it up with girls

ENA kept it in mind, seeing the flags when Taikai looked here and there to make sure no-one overheard their plans. “Okay, I won’t tell. I’ll see you there.” When leaving the cafeteria, to avoid talking about her own experience, she asked Moony how her day went. Moony had a friend whose Mom was trying to make a business out of harvesting pearls from sea-chicken eggs.

She didn’t get to speak with Tai during class. Just as she’d been building her friendship with him, she’d been similarly growing her rivalry with Keya. Both girls respected Robert and his rules, no fighting during school hours, so they confined their enemyhood to glaring, making faces and passing notes in the form of paper airplanes or balls of crumpled worksheets. ‘Duel?’ Asked the back of one.

Keya loved to duel. It wasn’t lethal anymore (that ENA assumed) and was more about practicing their abilities. ENA knew how to block with Khet because of Keya. “Sorry.” She whispered when Robert was picking up exam papers. “I’ve got business this afternoon. Maybe another time.”

“Business with who?” Keya asked, sounding peeved by the rejection.

ENA felt bad for pushing her away. “Confidential conspirations, compadre. Company concealed carefully, can’t concede the contents. Again, my sincerest of apologies.” She made and handed to Keya a drawing of a flower, that it might appease her and make her less upset.

“Okay.” She said after puzzling through what was said, looking at the flower. “It’s no funny business, is it?”

“Oh, no no no, nothing funny at all. Just a formal meeting held in privacy.”

Keya didn’t seem satisfied. “Alright, but who’s it with? Is it a guy?”

ENA figured that it wouldn’t hurt to say at least that. There were lots of guys in school.

Still, Keya seemed to be conflicted, and after a moment of brainstorming, she waved ENA to sit closer, flattening a piece of paper and grabbing a pink pen. “Here, look at this.” She scribbled a stick-man and with a blue colored pencil, drew a ‘t’ over his body, so the horizontal line went across his chest and the diagonal line went down from his head to between his legs.

ENA nodded when Keya look to her for an opinion. “The Khristos.”

She rolled (presumably both of) her eyes, “He was crucified in the hands, not the boobs. The point is, if he touches you anywhere the cross touches this stickman, use your Khet. Don’t bother with weakening his heart or soul, just the body. Fight like we fight. Once he’s down, get away.”

ENA nodded to say she understood, but she didn’t. “Okay…but why?”

“Why?” Keya parroted, like it was the stupidest thing she ever heard.

ENA looked down, feeling scolded. “Nevermind. I’ll just do it.”

Thankfully, Keya didn’t keep up the fight. “You really are hopeless.”

Okay, that was rude. It kind of hurt, too, and occupied her mind into the next lesson, to where she could no longer pay attention to what Robert was saying. By the time he passed out the next exercise, she had to excuse herself to the corner. During the teacher’s meeting, it was discussed that she could do that to a certain extent, so long as it didn’t significantly disrupt her learning. She felt like it didn’t, and Robert was usually nice and let her sit out when she needed it. “Can I please take a break? I don’t feel very good right now.”

Just as she’d suspected, he smiled, taking her worksheet and pencil. “Certainly, Ena. Keya can help you catch up when you’re feeling better. Let me know if you need me to help you, or I can get the nurse who can provide you with your medicine. Keya can sit with you too, if you’d like her to.” He said, looking at the bird girl. She looked around as if to say ‘that’s unfair!’

ENA didn’t feel like telling her that it was entirely fair, since she was the one being weird in the first place. “Thank you, but I want to be alone. I’ll be alright.” In the corner, she thought about the cross. Why did Keya make it? What was she thinking about? Not even Mr. Nendono had anything to say about it. She was able to return to class after ten minutes. Keya was nicer, then. She led ENA through the worksheet step-by-step. It made her insides flutter, and she felt soft and warm again. Maybe it was because Keya was mean before, and she was nice now, which meant she didn’t want to really hurt ENA.

Taikai made it clear after class that didn’t feel the same, taking ENA by the arm and bringing her to a place where they couldn’t be overheard, behind the projector screen. He leaned in close to say in a low voice, “I don’t like that Varadkar girl. We’re going to wait until she can’t follow us.”

“I don’t think she will.” ENA said, slipping out from behind the screen and going to get her schoolbag. “You guys just don’t like each other, I can see it. You two should make up-oh! Excuse me!” She stopped short, having to backpedal when Kai ran in front of her. He would have pushed her over if she hadn’t caught herself on a desk.

“You’re missing the whole point! She’s going to interfere, don’t you get it?!” Again, he got very close to whisper, “There’s a room in the basement no-one goes to after hours. We’ll go there at half-past. That’s fifteen minutes. You can stay with me, I don’t want you running your mouth again. You’re like a baby sometimes, cute, but not smart.”

The change was so sudden and startling that ENA didn’t know what to say at first. “O-okay.” Maybe it was a male thing, to be forceful and have a short temper. Papa and Merci were like that sometimes. She was female, so assumed it was just something she wasn’t meant to understand. Like with most things in life, it was just something to nod and say ‘yes’ to.

Taikai brought ENA around the room to show her all the school supplies, picking out some he thought she’d like. There were little colorful ursae in a bucket, and some blocks that they used to make little houses. Once, Robert brought out some colorful cubes so ENA could practice division. She showed Taikai the trick she learned. “Interesting, you’re getting better at it.” He said, and thought his tone was a little awkward, she felt pleased that a person her senior recognized her growth.

“Am I getting to be as good as you?” She asked. He was good at maths when he wasn’t working on writing.

“Maybe.” He said, cryptically.

They left after everyone else was gone, going to the front of the building. Taikai told ENA to ring her parents to tell them that she was studying after school with a student friend. “Don’t wait up for me.” She said, watching Tai giving her cues. He put a lot of importance on the words she used.

“Good job!” He sounded very proud when she hung up the B-line. “Now that we’ve got that out of the way, we can go and hang out together, just you and me. It’ll be fun, trust me, I brought some stuff that should help out.” The basement was down a long stairway and through a windowless, metal door. He got in by using a key. “My dad was your grade three teacher, so I have some faculty keys that I had copied. I can go almost anywhere I want in this building.” The door swung open heavily, and ENA felt nervous staring into the darkness. It smelled musty and looked like no-one had walked in it for years. She started to back away, but Taikai caught her. “It’s okay, there’s a light. It’s all mechanical, so no spy bugs.” He reached up and flicked a light switch. The old-style lamps flickered above their heads, and ENA had to think very much of what King Berry would do when facing a dark, ominous hallway. When Tai grabbed her hand and pulled her inside, closing the heavy door behind them, she thought about the King and focused on breathing evenly. “I know this place, and you can trust me. I’m your friend, and nothing’s going to get you while I’m here.” He smiled to her, and ENA believed him.

They stopped midway down the hall, entering a room that Tai unlocked with a different key. He had a whole bunch stashed away in his backpack, and ENA wondered if they could get into the cafeteria and take some ice-cream. She didn’t get to bring it up, her attention stolen by memories resurfaced upon seeing the old props and backgrounds to the school plays.

Merci was a theater kid from the start, and every recital or competition that he was in, they attended. ENA fondly recalled the nights where Mama would dress them up nice, the excitement was tangible, and Merci was glowing with pride in his hard work. Everyone in the family enjoyed seeing him on the stage, united under the brilliance of the son. She could smell Mama’s perfume and hear the clapping of the audience.

She looked up into a trellis. It once had beautiful flowers woven into the wooden beams, but it was now barren and coated with dust. “I remember this. It’s so nice to see it all again! It brings back such good times…” She was just recalling the stage lights when she felt something in her hair, and her whole body felt cold and prickly. She shuddered and gasped, ducking away and swiping at her head.

“Woah, relax! It’s just me. I couldn’t help myself, you looked very pretty.” Tai had backed up as well, knocking over a can of spray paint and picking it up.

“No, it’s okay. I think.” When he got closer again, ENA let him. “And thank you, very much.”

“You’re welcome very much.” He said with a smile. “It’s hard to believe that no-one else sees just how nice you look. No-one can stop to appreciate that anymore, too busy with their meaningless lives.”

Oh, that thing again. She smoothed down her skirt to call attention to it.

“Yes, that too. And don’t bother with what Keya said, she’s a nutter, another one of those who doesn’t care about you. If she did, she would be here instead of me, doing this, wouldn’t she?” He reached out and touched ENA’s hand, and then her skirt. “See, this is what people do when they like you. No-one does it to Keya because no-one likes her, so what’s why she’s trying to stop it from happening to you. She’s just jealous. That’s why she hates you.”

“She doesn’t hate me!” She pushed away his grabby hands. Was this what the T was for? Was she supposed to be fighting Taikai, their friend and classmate? What if he hated her for using Khet on him? She didn’t want to start a fight out of nothing, either. She also didn’t want Robert or anyone else to be upset that she hurt someone who was being nice. He said that people do it when they like you, and that it hadn’t happened to Keya because she was often very combative.

Keya never grabbed her skirt.

Did Keya really hate her?

Taikai was doing it again, the thing with her hair. She stood still, not wanting to offend him when he was being kind. He was the only one that was kind, this way. He came closer. “No, you don’t hate her. You don’t have the capacity for hate, you’re too nice for that. That’s what I like about you. You’re very sweet, not like her. Why do you think she tries to fight you so much?”

for the same reason you should bring out your khet here to be stronger

“Stronger?”

He smiled down at her in a way that could be thought of as fond. “Yes, she is, which is why she shouldn’t be picking on people like you. You didn’t ask for any of this. That’s why I’m here to protect you.” He reached out to pull her into a hug, wrapping his arms all around her. She leaned into it, having never experienced before a hug that didn’t feel good.

She supposed there was a first time for everything.

He was grabbing her bottom, one hand going up the back of her skirt. “See, isn’t that much better?” He asked over her shoulder, and she didn’t have an answer, not that he waited for one. “Much better. Hm. Maybe there could be a much better place than here, something nicer.” He snapped his fingers, pulling back and letting go of her. “I’ve got it! The nurse’s room, they’ve got a bed. Everyone’s gone by now, anyway, it’s half past four. Let’s go, Ena! I’ve got something nice to show you!” Smiling brightly, he grabbed her hand again and hurriedly pulled her out of the room and back down the hall. “It’s no Coupé de Ville, but you take what you can get.”

“I should hope not, they never found that car.” She managed to get out as they ran up the stairs. A wild feeling stirred up inside her, and she was unsure of what it was. Adrenaline, supercharged by the feeling of the dangerous unknown creeping up just behind her, lurking maybe in the darkness of the basement, or even in the emptiness of the school’s hallways.

Taikai easily broke into the nurse’s station, entering with a smug grin and pulling off his backpack. “I actually brought some with me, though I wasn’t sure if we’d be doing it so soon…aha!” He pulled out a grey, plastic tube. He laughed, uncapping it and gesturing to the bed. “Go lay down, I’ll be right there. I’ve got to check if the coast is clear. The security guard shouldn’t be coming around inside anymore, and Dad doesn’t look for me when I’m gone.” He turned back to see her, closing the curtain to cover the door’s glass window.

“Taikai?” She asked, crossing her legs and looking out at the cave. Searchlights had come on and were scanning the area for trespassers. “How long are we going to be here?”

He came to stand next to the bed, smiling confidently all the while. “As long as we need, baby. I’ve been planning this for such a long time.” He chuckled, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling. ENA looked too. It was just a regular ceiling. “Ever since I first saw you, I’ve been infatuated. You’re just so…cute. I just want to eat you up!” He reached out and grabbed her cheek, and she smiled a little.

If they were playing, why did it feel so… tense?

“So, what are we- OH, OK! HELLO, sir, this is a Wendall’s-!” She put up a hand and looked away. Tai had unzipped the front of his pants, pulling them down just past his waist. He did the same with his underwear and sat down on the bed next to her.

“You can look, it’s not that gross, is it? It’d be disappointing if you didn’t look. I looked at you, and I liked what I saw.” She didn’t stare, glancing down and up again. “Oh, come on. You can do better than that. Touch it, get used to it. Here, like this, just let me-” He grabbed her hand again, and she tried to pull away this time.

“I’d rather not-”

“And I’d rather you did! Don’t insult me like this, I don’t do this for just anyone, you know! Remember, this is something that people do when they like you. I’m showing you that I like you! Look, the way it’s coming out, that’s a good thing, you’re doing good. Don’t think so low of yourself so often, okay? You’re a very special person, and I fell in love with you because I could tell that before we even met.”

“In love?” She asked, momentarily at a loss for better words. “In love? With me?” Her mind was tangled again. No thoughts, only feelings. “Why?”

He put an arm over her shoulders, squeezing one. “Here, let me show you.” He looked down at his lap. It was the ugliest sight she’d ever laid her two eyes on. “That’s all, you get me really hard. So I haven’t got Chad’s dick, don’t give me that look! You’re not a ten either, at least to everyone else. It’s like the granted wish of Runas and I’m sharing the spoils, alright?” He reached out for the bottle again, uncapping it and squeezing out a transparent goop onto his palm. He slathered it onto it before wiping his hand on the paper sheet covering the nurse’s bed. “Lay on your back."

ENA was hesitant. “I don’t know. I don’t like this.”

Taikai shrugged. “Fine, you can sit on it, more power to ya. We can really do it when we’re in a better setting. I’m pumped though, and I’m not going to leave tonight without having come inside you…hey, ah, how old are you?”

“Huh?” She tilted her head. How jarring, to make such a change in mood… was he trying to small-talk after showing her his private parts and asking her to do the same? “I’m seve- no, eighteen. My birthday was on the day of the goat.”

He smiled widely. “Happy belated birthday.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now, come here. This stuff doesn’t have spermicide, but who gives a shit. I’ll pay if you need it. You seem to like kids, though, but I don’t feel up for that. I already gave you a baby anyway.” He said the last part under his breath, guiding ENA to sit on his lap. He grabbed at the hem of her underwear, pulling them down for her and ignoring the way she hung onto them.

The rest of it was shocking. For most of it she was entirely unaware and didn’t remember the details of what happened after he put it inside of her. It was painful, and she stopped being mentally present after the first pinching got increasingly worse. It was like being out of her body, unable to feel or really tell what was going on. All she knew was that it hurt afterward, and he brought her to sneak out a window.

The last thing he said to her when they got off the school property was, “Hey, girl. If I let you go, would you tell anyone what happened here?”

no

“No.”

He smiled and let her go. “Good, we’ll meet someplace nicer for the real deal. I’ve got some cash, you’ve got time, you’ll make it. Tell your Daddy that on Pâquerette, you’re going to a friend’s house to study for an exam. Tell your pretend wife if she bothers to ask. If she doesn’t, I don’t care. Secrecy is important, here. Remember that I’m doing this all because I love you, and some people believe that you don’t deserve that. If they see, they’ll take it away, so keep it to yourself. Got me?”

“I-indeed.”

On Cordeau, Merci came into her room ask if she was okay. He was dressed all in stripes; he was going to visit the school so he could practice a solo performance. While he was doing that, Papa was taking ENA and Moony to visit a company headquarters a couple hours out. He said that ENA could benefit from a bit of job shadowing and hands-on experience with running a business. With the way he looked concerned, she hadn’t been exactly jumping out of bed to get ready. “Are you feeling alright?”

“I’m fine.” She said and forced herself out from the covers and went to get dressed. She fished in the hamper for some clothes, having forgotten to do the laundry.

Merci went up to the hamper and reached in, pulling out a skirt. “Alright, this one?” He asked, and ENA nodded. It didn’t matter particularly to her. “Go into my room and get a shirt and socks that you like from the bureau, and I’ll get some spray for this. I don’t have any bras of course, so that’s on you, but I would at least smell good so that Hara doesn’t get after you. Moony either if you two are using this as a date.”

“Okay.” She said, leaving the room. She did as she was instructed, though she didn’t have a preference for picking out clothes and just grabbed the first shirt she saw, which ended with Merci taking her back into his room and giving a mini-lecture about how she should be careful about dressing in a way that looks good.

“You’re an adult woman now, people will be looking at you, so dress to be ready for it. You employers, the people at the factory, your wife. Don’t think that you can just throw on whatever just because you already scored in the relationship department, you still need to please the public.” She listened to him, once in a while giving a monosyllabic answer that pleased him before leaving the room with a better shirt, having learned nothing.

She was headed past the kitchen and into the sitting room to turn on the television when Mama caught her and proceeded to jump into ‘why aren’t you eating more?’

“I’m not hungry, Mama.” She said, waiting for her mother to leave.

Mama seemed a little cross, hearing that. “Well, I don’t think you’re eating enough, you’re never hungry anymore! At least come in and have some breakfast. You don’t even eat the links I make you, and you love links! Are you sick, is something wrong?”

She didn’t actually do it, but she felt like sighing and saying something that will finally get people off her back. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m not hungry. Thank you anyway.”

“Don’t give me that tone, young lady. I’m only worried about you. Here, I’ve made some toast, you can have some before you leave. Your Papa’s just about ready, and Munako called while you were sleeping.”

“Sorry. And thank you.” She said, tossing the remote to the side and getting up. She did everything she could to keep Mama’s attention away from the pile of toast. She sorted some papers, she organized the shelves, and chatted a little even. By the end of it, she was able to successfully leave the kitchen without being harped on about eating food she didn’t need.

It still hurt, down there. She had to be careful sitting down and getting up. It use to bleed a little, but that stopped by now.

The upside to today’s trip was that it would take her mind off the event. It haunted her, took all her attention. Being in school was like a nightmare and walking in through the front doors alone brought on a panic that she couldn’t settle until she got home. By that time, she was so tired from keeping herself in check that all she could do was pass out in bed until Mama called her down for supper.

It might have also been because of the gin, she’d been ignoring the lines sometimes if she felt bad enough, which left her little allowance for the next day, which made her shaky and moody and sick. That also took a toll on her grades and relationships at school. Keya, like always, was a nosey bitch and continued to pry into things she shouldn’t. So many questions from one person that couldn’t learn to keep her mouth shut. Maybe she’d understand if she had it happen to her. With the way she dressed, and with her being in Tai’s class, maybe it would, then ENA’d be the one harping on her about ‘Why are you being so cold? Why aren’t you paying attention? What world are you lost in this time?’

She wouldn’t go to school at all, just because of Taikai. The other day, he brought her into the bathroom and kissed her, the first ever time that someone other than her family did it. His big nose got in the way a lot. “Don’t tell anyone what happened.” It was almost like his signoff. That, and “don’t forget that we meet on Pâquerette.” That was only in four days.

Four days of waiting, making excuses. She still hadn’t told Moony anything.

Moony was excellent at finding out things she shouldn’t, though.

For example, she discovered ENA’s drinking habits. She was not happy. “You’re drunk, I knew it! I mean, at first I thought it was just one of your weird moods, but now I get it! When we go to the falls, I don’t want to have you reeking of booze in the car!” She said this just last night, when they were over together. Mama had been concerned for ENA’s lack of studying and keeping up with homework, so she called Moony over to help her catch up. They were doing that, for a while, until Moony started to catch on that her wife had maybe dipped beyond her allowance and took from the bottle while she was in the other room asking Merci a question.

When Moony mentioned the falls, ENA felt herself cringe deeply. Moony planned for them to take a trip out to a water source, a place she thought would be fun and romantic, so they could spend some real time together.

She could hear Taikai’s voice in her head, now, “Tell her that you can’t go, you already made plans.”

“Deepest apologies, but there’s something I have to do this weekend that I forgot about.”

“Ena!” Moony looked really upset about it. ENA fought not to cry. “This was your idea! Why are you being like this?”

She rapidly backpedaled when hearing the sheer disappointment in her wife’s voice. “Excuse me, my apologies! It was just hard to make up my mind, I’ll be going as scheduled, and I’ll be as sober as the day I was hatched!”

“Look at me, Ena. I just want to know what’s going on. Is everything okay? You know you can tell me anything.”

Moony didn’t know what ‘anything’ really meant. If Moony knew that she had done it with a guy… “It’s all okay, my darling wife! Just as the stars skate in the sky, so do I, pecan pie.”

Moony gave her a bewildered look. “Uh…okay. Whatever. Don’t forget that I’m here for you.” She kissed her on the cheek again, and this time, ENA was relieved that it wasn’t on the lips. If someone did that again, no matter who it was, the feeling alone would make her puke.

She went into the bathroom and slapped herself across the face. “Get a hold of yourself!” She said, feeling her inside friends starting to take back control. She had lost that the night she came home from the school. Everything she learned from Papa, all her skills, she no longer had any control over them. She didn’t even have control over herself.

She hit herself again. Again and again until it hurt too much. It was still there, a restless energy, a monster exploding from a useless body. She punched herself, her legs, the easiest target, but it didn’t do anything to release the ugly, frothing hatred that ate her like acid.

She was in the shopping mall, the last time she did this.

Her mind was in the shopping center, and she could hear the people talking to one another. She was crying, hoping that someone would hear it and stop her. She hurt herself and didn’t know why. She had to do anything to get it out, if she didn’t get it out, it would kill her. It would consume her like everything else in the world had started to, everything was falling apart, falling away, no recovery, no peace. All sounds, abrasive and horrendous to the ears, sights that she couldn’t bear seeing, and a mind all filled with panic and pain. She had to get it out, to put a feeling to a feeling, give it life so she could kill it and finally break free. Except it was her and she was her, which only left bruises on her knees and scratches on her skin. She can’t escape from her. Papa said it was a cancer, didn’t he? Papa said a lot of things about her.

Taikai grabbed her all over before lingering under her skirt. She had ignored it. She had closed her eyes and let it happen.

You must lose. All she’d ever done was lose. Why stop now? She was always destined to be a loser, it was her birthright. Papa should have had another child if he wanted someone great.

don’t bring that man into this this isn’t about him he made his choice now he has to deal with it you’re going to surpass him if you like it or not this is not a loss this is an exercise of strength and willpower

“Mr. Nendono, help me!” She said and couldn’t tell where she was. Was she in the bad place, where bad people go after they die?

no, you’re alive you haven’t gotten there yet

She grabbed around for anything, to hold something, to be held. Her head hurt, she was pulling at her hair. It didn’t matter what she had, or if it hurt, so long as she had something and was still alive. She didn’t want to die and go to the bad place, she wanted to live and see her Papa and Moony and Merci.

She was dying and there was no way out.

It stared with her alone. It ended with her in a place she didn’t recognize, but now there were people. There was a security man. Dangerous Operations was written on his vest. He was a mechanical person, with a big upright body and arms that could grab and manipulate many things. Next to him was a thing in white, all white, with long, curly limbs. Paramedic was printed on his white coat. “There, there, miss. Can you understand me?”

She nodded to say she did.

He smiled. “Do you know where you are?”

“No.”

He wasn’t so smiley here. “Do you know who you are?”

“Not really. I’m me, at least. I hurt a lot.”

“I can imagine, you were hurting yourself pretty badly. I’m going to need to bring you to the emergency room, I’ll stay here if you want. My friend here’s going to want to talk to you, too. Your family’s here, your brother called emergency for you. Do you want to talk to any of your family before we take you to the hospital?”

“I do.” She said and was distracted when the Dangerous Operations man put a blanket over her. It was warm and wrapped her up comfortably. “I do…”

“Thank you for your cooperation, Miss.” He turned to speak to someone else when he brought ENA out of the room she was in and onto a gurney, where she was belted down by thick, leather straps. “You can come in, Mr. An. Thank you, son, for calling. This is something that needs to be addressed at once.”

She heard a voice, unfamiliar. “You’re welcome, sir. She hasn’t done this in a while, but it’s not uncommon. It’s usually not this bad.”

“All the same, it’s good you called. Mr. An? Oh, nevermind. Come on miss, your brother and mother are here for you. You, Ma’am, do you want to ride in the ambulance with her?”

“はいはい！私の赤ちゃん、私のエナカイ！” Mama was sobbing.

“What’s wrong with Mama?” ENA asked. What happened to her, who did that? She’d kill whoever did it, being so cruel as to make her Mama cry.

Merci was standing above her while she was taken outside. Overhead, there was a tarp that shaded them from the sunlight. “She’s worried about you, Ena! What happened?”

“Best not to ask that just yet, son. Your sister’s not quite with us, yet.” Said the paramedic. “Stay here with your father – hey, you! Don’t come closer! You can see her at the hospital, we’ll be there shortly!”

Then, there came someone’s voice, not her family, but a voice she couldn’t neglect – “What happened here? I saw the ambulance go by, so I came over right away! Is she alright?”

More talking, but ENA didn’t stay to listen. The man over her was doing all kinds of poking, and when she was loaded into the back of the truck she was brought to, she assumed that she was a package to be shipped. She let herself close her eyes, assuming that she’d be in for the long haul. It satisfied her, to imagine that she was going to a faraway place, away from everyone and everything that hurt. It only took the worse possible scenario to find the best possible outcome, going from a world of fear and misery to a place where she would no longer be around to feel it.

“Miss, can you hear me? Miss? Blink if you can hear me. Miss? Miss?”

“もちろんできます！えなかい！私を見上げて！ママを見て！”

When she turned her head to say something, Mama wasn’t there anymore.

Papa was on the line. “Yes, I understand. We’ve had to cancel, my daughter’s in the hospital now. She’s had some kind of a fit and they’re evaluating her now. No, I don’t want to reschedule, I don’t know when she’ll be out. Oh, hold on- yes?” He asked somebody. ENA held still, wanting to listen in on their conversation, since it was about her, and she felt like she didn’t have a body anymore. What was the purpose of a body anyway, if she could live without one? Could everyone do this? If she just had her anatomies, she wouldn’t need her anatomy. It only caused trouble anyway.

“Are you busy, Mr. An?”

“No, sir, I was just getting off the call. Thank you for your time…yes, thank you.” His voice changed about here. “What is it?”

“I just wanted to speak to you about something important. You’re family’s not here, but I can fill them in, too. The thing is, we have reason to believe that your daughter has been-”

It was the word itself that did it, and she stopped listening then. She was tired.

She was going to sleep and deal with it later.

They’d solve it themselves.

Wait.

Baby. Someone mentioned a baby.

She had a baby at home.

She left the baby at home.

She didn’t know where she was and she had left the baby at home, probably alone.

She’d been raped and Papa knew and

and

Before her, there was a big, red, creature, whose long face ended with a pink nose and many yellow, pointy teeth. Two curly horns grew up from the top of their head, and they looked downright nasty with their big, wild eyes. They had long, dark hair, unaffected by the orange tongues of fire that licked their skinless, red body, a dress of flames to cover the exposed.

She was no-where, now.

When they spoke, they had a dozen voices, muttering synchronously. It was as if they would take turns having a main speaker, the rest following along in tandem. “It’s a pleasure to meet you."

"We are Akh."

"We came because your body, your soul and your heart are in danger significant enough that your Khet, your Ka, and your Ba cannot protect you.”

She smiled at the creature. “I haven’t seen such a good sight in so long. Have you ever been to a theater? An open garden for the mind…yes, blooming with the ideas of the brilliant, truly. We should visit the theater, Akh. What’s got me in danger? I don’t feel in danger.”

“We’ve soothed all your aches, for now."

"We’re here to protect you from further danger!"

"Would you like to attend the theater, in the meanwhile?”

It reached out a hand, a human hand.